Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Derailed Train

Isn't it ironic...My last post was about making a u-turn and getting back on track and it was filled with so much optimism and promises and now here I am, almost two months later, completely derailed, with perhaps just one wheel on the track.

Here's the truth: I've been avoiding this blog. I could tell you of all the things I'm attempting to do(buying a home being chief amongst them) but the truth is that this blog has always in a way held me accountable to myself and because I have for the past couple of months, failed miserably at the weight loss game, I have played the "see no evil" game with myself. I've been like my little nephew who when he doesn't want to be social will close his eyes and pretend not to see you. I have done the same with my weight. The problem is that for the first time in a long time, this year, I made progress and so the part of me that has changed is in deep battle with the part of me that hasn't, so there is this nagging voice that's telling me to stop the bullshit and get back on track.

Friends, I haven't run in forever, I have eaten every fried, greasy thing I can find. I have stuffed my face with cookies, cakes and candy and I've done it with the little devil on my shoulder gagging the little angel on my other shoulder and promising to kill her and her family if she tries to talk me out of my food debauchery.

I.FEEL.LIKE.CRAP! For the past two weeks, my digestive system has been acting up. I feel bloated, gassy, and lethargic. My muscles feel like they are seizing up and I'm feeling aches and pains that worry me.

I can't blame the fact that my Weight Watchers meetings at work are on hiatus until the first of the year. There are still meetings in my neighborhood and if it meant enough to me, I'd go. I can't blame stress because there will always, of and on, be life issues that bring a certain degree of stress and will I always eat my stress away? If so, I'll always be in battle with my weight.

The lowest weight I saw on the scale was 225lbs back in September. It was an anomaly and didn't last long. The last time I weighed, I was 231lbs. I can feel every bit of those extra pounds. I can't do this anymore.

I'm not going to make any grand declarations this time around. I'm just going to do what I started off doing, making the changes I need to make and documenting the journey. I have learned that even this; even failure, is part of the journey. This is who I am: a person struggling to choose good over not so good, healthy over not so healthy, exercise over laying on my couch, and if I can do this even 80% of the time, I am already winning the battle.

Happy Trails, mon amis!



  1. A good 2 weeks ago I called myself a "Back Slider". Like you...I have mucked up tremendously with eating well and working out. Stress will do it to you, won't it? I had the stress of buying a new car as my excuse. And for a good month I worked out maybe 10 times, MAX. And I ate whatever. And didn't care. Until I stepped on my roommate's scale. I wanted to cry. Immediately after that I noticed that my size 12s started getting tight.

    Now I'm back to drinking my daily water intake, running at 6am and eating the best I can. It's OKAY, sis. We all fall short. Weight loss is called a journey for a reason. Sometimes you slow down or even STOP on the path. Nudge yourself a little to get back on track. I say detox for a good week and start cutting the foods that you know you probably shouldn't be eating. For me that was Snickers (which is hilarious b/c I NEVER liked Snickers before).

    You can do it, sis!! We're in this together!

  2. I didn't even realize that you had written this post until today. Good for you! All I will say is that I've been slacking on the exercise but still eating well, which is the easy part for me. Now, I do have to admit that yesterday, for some reason, I felt the need for an Apple Martini and a piece of cheesecake. That would have been acceptable if I only had one but I had two... of each! I don't even know why! I just felt like indulging. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I was working out every day or at least going to my bootcamp every M, W and F but I've only been working out minimally (1 or 2 times each week) and haven't gone to bootcamp in like 3 weeks. Again, I don't even know why!

    Today is a new day and also exactly 6 months until my birthday. I am determined to be at LEAST halfway to my goal by my birthday but, truthfully, if I did what I'm supposed to do, I can reach my goal by my birthday!

    Stay the course!